Needs To
Know: Part 3
- The
Toddler
The toddler is a
human being between
the ages of about 2
and 5 years. This is
a very dynamic
phase. By 2 years,
the toddler is
walking and starting
to talk. Exploration
is of high interest
as is saying “no.”
The early part of
this phase is often
referred to as “the
terrible two’s”
because the toddler
is not only getting
into everything
around the house but
is practicing the
very, very important
skill of refusal.
The toddler is
beginning to
experiment with his
or her individual
will power and
control of
situations. The
toddler is working,
even at this early
stage, in developing
a sense of autonomy
and initiative,
purpose and
direction. The
toddler’s ability to
walk allows a
departure from
mother’s constant
presence (and
control). The
toddler is
expanding, growing
and maturing. These
are fundamental
needs of the toddler
beyond the
biological basics of
food shelter and
clothing. Certainly,
safety continues to
be of considerable
importance. However,
the growing mind of
the toddler requires
moving into new
territory, new
sensations, new
experience, and
their will naturally
be risks involved.
Some of the
things parents can
do to encourage and
support this stage
of development
include:
- “Baby proof”
the house so as
to allow safe
explorations
without the need
of constant
supervision and
having to stop
the toddler from
exploring.
- Allow the
toddler to
struggle and
sometimes fail.
You’d be
surprised at the
resilience and
determination of
a toddler. For
example, if a
toddler is
trying to climb
up on the couch,
do not go and
pick up the
toddler and put
him/her on the
couch. Let the
toddler do it on
their own. The
parent can
observe and be
present just in
case, but the
toddler must be
allowed to try,
struggle, fail,
retry and
achieve. This is
very important
for the
development of
autonomy and
initiative. If a
toddler’s sense
of autonomy is
thwarted, shame
and doubt can
develop.
Impulsivity and
compulsion can
be symptoms of a
weakened sense
of autonomy. If
initiative is
thwarted,
ruthlessness or
inhibition can
develop as
compensation.
- Allow the
toddler to
refuse.
Certainly not
all the time.
But, it is
important for
the toddler to
have the
experience of
having some
control and this
is often gained
by refusing.
- Set up
choices and
honor a
toddler’s choice
when not harmful
or totally
inappropriate.
For example, you
can present two
different
cereals for
breakfast and
the toddler can
choose amongst
those two. Do
not provide a
set of choices
and then
disallow what
the toddler
chooses.
- Play. The
toddler’s world
is highly
imaginative;
pure basic fun
play is very
important at
this stage.
Although parents
can play with
the toddler,
solitary play
time is also
important.
Colorful
building blocks
and the other
age appropriate
items are useful
but not
necessary as a
toddler will be
happy with pots
and pans, blocks
of wood and
various
household items
as well.
- Toilet
training should
be accomplished
during this
period. There
are many good
publications
about healthy
toilet training
which do not
undermine the
toddler’s
autonomy and
sense of control
but actually
enhance it.
- Parents
should pay
particular
attention to
their own speech
and behavior as
toddlers are
excellent mimic
and will imitate
much of what
their parents
say and do. This
is not to say
that parents
need to be
perfect. In
fact, it is much
healthier for a
toddler to
observe and
internalize
parents that are
genuine and
authentic than
fake. However
parents need to
be “on the same
page” when it
comes to rules,
regulations,
discipline,
chores, etc…so
there is
uniformity.
At this stage, he
toddler is still
very much in need of
a stable structure
and routine. Much of
the toddler’s
autonomy and
initiative is built
on the premise of an
established
structure. If there
is no base
structure, all the
initiative that
would go into
developing autonomy
goes into finding
the structure. You
can view the toddler
as a blind person
reaching out with
their arms and hands
trying to find the
walls of the room.
Once they know where
the walls are, they
can move freely
within the room. The
toddler will test
the limits, try to
push them. The
toddler is seeking
those walls within
the room which are
solid, not moveable.
Once those
unshakeable walls
and rules are known,
the toddler, now
moving into
childhood, will feel
safe and secure,
able to experiment
with their own
initiative and
autonomy. The
primary model for
the toddler has
shifted from the
mother as the
exclusive parent to
both mother and
father, in a
traditional nuclear
family. In single
parent homes, the
toddler will model
the single dominant
adult. There is no
doubt that a single
parent household
provides less
modeling and
interactive
observations.
However, in our
modern day, that’s
just the way it is.
The nuclear family
too is somewhat
limited in that the
toddler only
internalizes one set
of adult
interaction. In more
traditional and
indigenous cultures,
toddlers observe,
model and
internalize the
behaviors from a
much larger group of
adults Regardless of
what has occurred
during the toddler
phase, the next
developmental stage
arrives with its own
set of needs,
challenges and
crisis.
