When our kids misbehave or
act out, there's a reason. It
can be any number of things. One
is purely to get attention and
the other common reason is to
gain control and power. As human
beings we all want to feel we
have some control over our lives
and if we don't we'll find a way
to get it. People of all ages
have the same basic needs. So
how can we give kids control,
without them walking all over
us?
When I was studying the
S.T.E.P. program (Systematic
Training To Effective Parenting)
in the mid '80's I was
introduced to the notion of
offering children choices. It
was new to me as I don't
remember anyone ever offering me
a choice when I was growing up
and I don't remember learning
about choices when I was
studying early childhood
education. We did though learn
many ways to be firm but gentle
with children.
What do I mean by offering a
child a choice and why is it so
powerful? When they're very
young, say two or three years
old we can show them two plastic
cups; a blue one and a green one
and ask: "Do you want the blue
one or the green one?" Or you
can say: "Do you want to sit in
this chair or that chair?" or
"Do you want to wear your green
pajamas or your blue pajamas?"
It makes them feel they have
some power and control and
consequently are less likely to
gain it in inappropriate ways.
It also tells them their likes
and dislikes matter to you. As
well, children who are given
choices learn to start thinking
for themselves. They become less
reliant on other people to make
decisions for them.
As children get older we can
start offering them more than
two choices, keeping in mind
that all the options you're
presenting must be acceptable to
you. You can say: "Here are some
choices for lunch; vegetable
soup, peanut butter sandwich or
grilled cheese sandwich." Or you
might say, "Do you want to play
a game tonight? We could play
this, or this, or this. Choose
one." If you're having a
difficult time getting your
child to do something, you can
say: "I need you to clear your
plate away. Do you want to put
it on the counter or in the
dishwasher?"
As children approach their
middle and teen years you can
continue to use choices. You can
say: "I'd like your homework
done before 8pm. Do you want to
do it at the kitchen table or in
your room?" Or you might say: "I
need some help in the kitchen.
Would you like to empty the
dishwasher, sweep the floor or
fill the dishwasher?" Offering a
choice significantly reduces
arguments around tasks that need
to be done around the house.
One of the problems parents
might encounter with choices is
that their kids don't want
either or any of the choices
you're offering. If that's the
case, the next choice becomes:
"Do you want to choose or would
you like me to choose?" The
majority of the time, kids will
make a choice and that will be
the end of it.
Using this simple tool you'll
find you can eliminate many
power struggles and arguments.
Children are as human as the
rest of us and need to feel they
have some control over their
lives. We want to give it to
them in appropriate ways so they
don't try and gain it in
inappropriate ways.
