According to research
conducted at the Josephson
Institute of Ethics in
California, 92 percent of teens
surveyed admitted to lying to
their parents at least once in
the last year... and as the joke
goes, "the other 8 percent lied
about lying to their parents".
It is pretty simple- teens just
don't want to suffer the
consequences of telling the
truth. What's the harm in a
"little white lie"? A lot is at
stake when it comes to our
teenagers.
We can't expect the teenager
to tell us everything all the
time, however, it is extremely
important that we create a safe
environment that encourages
conversation and the opportunity
to teach our adolescent child
how to make good decisions.
Ironically, an adolescent often
doesn't realize it's wrong to
break an agreement with their
parent; they do so in an effort
to prove their autonomy or to
connect with peers, sometimes,
almost unconsciously, because
they knew you had a rule against
it.
It's fine that they are
searching for their independence
and defining their own
identities, but at the same
time, our children want guiding
principles to help them in their
search for independence.
Our teens need their parent's
guidance on how to make sound
choices while spreading their
wings.
Here's What We As Parents
Can Do To Help Prevent Our Teens
From Lying to Us -
Starting Early -
Parents can model positive
behaviors by being truthful with
their children when they are
young and telling them you
expect the same honesty in
return. If they catch you in a
fib, they justify that it is
okay to play the same game, but,
over time, they up the ante,
especially as young adolescents.
Our children are never too
young to understand the concept
of being honest. Unfortunately,
our society adheres to the
philosophy that, at times, it is
truly more convenient to lie.
We rationalize that it saves
the recipient from unnecessary
pain or embarrassment or that it
simplifies uncomfortable
circumstances by minimizing the
process of explaining one's
point of view.
What's wrong with telling
the truth?
It is the projection of how
the other person is going to
receive the information.
Isn't that really the case
with dishonesty?
Are we not more concerned
with the receipt of the
information than the delivery?
That is exactly the root of
problem with our teens sharing
the truth. They are hesitant
because they don't want to deal
with the reaction to the truth.
Teens, like adults, lie for a
number of reasons in an effort
to avoid confrontation or evade
a consequence imposed by their
parents.
Let's identify four
of the reasons we, as parents,
encourage our kids to lie to us.
1: We Freak Out
No wonder the teen has chosen
to go silent when their
experience of telling the truth
results in us launching off into
ranting and raving about the
ignorance and carelessness of
their actions.
The knee-jerk reaction is to
impose consequences or, at the
very least, point out how they
have made a gross error in
judgment. Now, honestly, how
excited would you be if every
time you shared a new adventure
with someone, they scoffed at
you? There is a direct
correlation between a strict
parent or an overly opinionated
parent and the degree of
dishonesty they will receive
from their budding teen.
I believe the overly strict
parent, in a genuine effort to
curb their teen's risk of making
bad decisions, only fuel the
fire. At this age, it is the
job, the duty, of the teen to
push their limits. They want to
challenge their boundaries at
every opportunity. It is the
parent's role to establish
clearly defined boundaries,
based on rational guidelines,
and then support the child to
make good decisions within the
framework of those boundaries.
If you are going to error, I
advocate in the direction of
listening to your teen about
their interest in drinking, for
example, and identify the risks
and consequences of their
decision, rather than
encouraging them to be dishonest
and put them in greater harms
way by forcing them to make
decisions from fewer choices
available to them that may lead
to deception and compromise
their health, their safety, and
their well being.
For years, I've coached
parents several ways to stop,
listen, reflect, and question
without sounding authoritative
and provide an environment that
encourages dialogue and
ownership of the decision making
process.
Remember when we used to say
to our young children, "It's
very cold outside. Do you think
you need a jacket?" The
choice was theirs. It is the
same principle but, whether we
like it or not, now it comes
with higher stakes.
The toughest part for most
parents is to listen to their
teens, respect their point of
view, identify a rational
reasoning process, and then let
them decide for themselves.
2: Practice what you
Preach -
If you drink without regard
to acceptable limits or
moderation, then they will
believe the same holds for them.
If you demonstrate to them that
lying to the door to door
salesman is easier or stretching
the truth with your friends to
ease your own discomfort is
okay, they will do the same.
Whether we like it or not,
our children are a reflection of
who we are. Setting a good
example is critical to
establishing reasonable
boundaries for your teens. If
you demonstrate little regard
for the rules you establish for
your teens, they will place
little value on them, too.
Simply calling the trump card is
not enough; teens, by and large,
won't honor a rule based
entirely on the fact that you
are their parent and that is the
way it is. You will get further
if you practice what you preach.
3: Adult Responsibilities
come with the Privileges, too -
A teen once told me that his
parents expect him to carry his
own weight by holding down
several jobs. They have taught
him to be quite responsible;
however, they treat him like a
child with curfews and ground
rules unfitting a responsible
young adult.
Let your teen prove them
self.
Take baby steps if necessary
but match the level of
responsibility you require of
them with the level of freedom
you grant them to make rational
decisions. Wouldn't you rather
be involved in the decision
making process now when you are
available to coach them rather
than having them learn it on
their own when they go off to
college? As they learn from both
good and bad experiences by
holding down a job, let them
have the same experiences with
making decisions in their
personal life. That's the
challenge facing most parents of
teens but is well worth it in
the end.
The Center for Effective
Parenting recommends that
parents, "discuss why telling
the truth is important...
telling the truth lets other
people know that they can be
trusted."
4: Rules that are Embraced
by Teens are Essential -
I don't think there is a
human being alive that gets
excited about a restriction that
is imposed upon them without
having an opportunity for their
input.
Developing a process where
the teen has an opportunity to
take ownership in the family
agreements will result in
greater adherence than those
that are imposed arbitrarily.
Granted, there may be rules that
the teen may not agree with
initially but it is essential
that parent's take the time to
rationalize the thought process
behind the ground rule. This may
require a willingness on both
sides to start with a ground
rule and be open to
renegotiating down the road.
Consideration should be given
to the demonstration of the
teen's adherence to the ground
rule in a responsible way.
Should a new ground rule meet
with resistance, begin with a
starting point, define a pattern
of behavior that would
demonstrate responsibility, and
establish a timeline for
renegotiation where both parties
can embrace the ground rule.
Freedom is greatest when the
boundaries are drawn.
When I coach parents and
teens, I like to promote clearly
defining boundaries,
establishing agreements that are
embraced by both parent and
child, and creating a safe
environment where honesty and
mutual respect is honored.
Parenting teenagers is not
an easy task. So, now we know
why teens lie to parents, what
are you going to do to help you
and your teen life a happier...
more fulfilled... (and more
honest) life? If you are
parenting a teenager, today
is the time to take action to
start setting your teen on the
path to success and honesty.
